Hope, Fear, Joy, Grace, Unconditional Love

I realize there have been very few posts from me lately!  Wow since Valentine's day!  Well, to be honest I have just been soaking up all the family time I can.  Matt, Eli, and I are having a blast being a family again.  We are hanging out with family and with some amazing friends.  I am so grateful for the new friendships God has brought to us and to some older friendships He has restored.  You don't realize what a 'bad' work schedule does to your life in general.  But, we are happy and blessed and loving life and praising the One Who gives us all we have every second of every day! 

If I'm totally honest with my followers, if there are still any hahaha, the real reason you haven't heard from me is because each time I sit down to post anything, I want to just 'cry on your shoulder'.  And I feel like that's a downer post that no one wants to read... Well, I think it's time I let myself get out there what I'm feeling!  

I feel so incredibly blessed in life!  God has given me more than I deserve, that's for sure.  I am a daughter of Christ!  I have an amazing husband who loves me and all my flaws.  I have a wonderful son who thinks I hung the moon and who calls me a princess.  I have a great job, nice home, ample money, food, clothes, family, reliable cars, on and on and on.  Please know that I realize God loves me!  So why then do I feel forgotten?  Why do I feel I am not good enough?  Why do I get angry at God for not hearing me?  

For over three years we have tried to get pregnant with another child and it has not happened.  We are so disappointed each month when THAT comes.  The fact that we have a child may make some ask why do we think we need more, why can't we be happy with what we have?  But, that's what you don't get, we are so happy with our son he's why we want another child!  We want him to have a family!  My siblings were way older than me and I don't have memories of playing with them or fighting with them even.  I want Eli to have those memories.  I want him to not be alone in growing up.  When Matt and I are old I want my KIDS to take care of us, not just one, it's too much for one child to do esp. when he will probably have a family of his own by then.  Matt and I have always seen our family with a boy or two and a girl.  ALWAYS!  It's like it's a no brainer.  I know my God is bigger than these diseases and I know He loves me and hears my cries and I also know His timing is perfect.  Knowing these things and feeling them daily is so hard!  Why do we as humans struggle so badly with this?  Am I the only one who asks WHY?  

We have things going on in our life right now that are very wonderful and very positive.  Things I ask you to pray for, but as of now we cannot share.  Don't worry, God knows what you're praying for!  ; )  I do really well to stay focused and keep my faith and know that God is in control.  Yet, when I sit alone my mind just races in all directions and I can't stop it!  I feel like a pin ball machine.  


I know this post is all over the place but that's how I feel lately... All over the place.  


I want to say that I am so thankful for a God Who knows me better than I know myself and Who loves me despite that knowledge!  I am thankful for my husband who is my rock even when he knows nothing to say.  I am thankful for my son who can push my buttons quicker than you can say giddy-up but who melts me just as fast.  I am thankful for friends I can count on fully.  I am thankful for my life.  


Lord, 
Only You know the end of this story.  And only in Your time will it be revealed.  God I trust You.  I ask that you continue to wrap me in Your arms so I know You're in control.  Father please guide those who have choices to make.  Abba Daddy I love You more and more each day, I look in my son's eyes and I see You, I see the love You have for me and I want to continuously fall in more love with You.  Thank You for willingly dying for MY sins so that I may struggle through this life a little less knowing You are in control and more importantly so that I may spend eternity with You!  I pray that in Your perfect timing our family is completed.  And when that day comes I will rejoice in Your name so loudly the mountains may shake!  Praise be to the One and Only King of Kings and Lord of Lords! ~Amen